There are large cactuses towering in the sky surrounding me. Giant red rocks tore upwards in the sky as they tower thousands of feet ahead. The sky is crystalline blue, with the wailing of birds occasionally breaking the deafening desert silence. Through these huge images, I am nothing in comparison. The sun shines on me like a strong and pointy dart, and I am the target. I stand on the grains of pebbles and sand. My stiff boots make strong indents in the ground, standing weakly as my feet want to detach from my legs. My hat towers my sunburnt face and makes a shadow that hides and my strained eyes. It’s been days since I put my thumb down, from waiting to be picked up. The hope for that is lost, just like I. The roads that I stare at have a sense of loneliness, looking freshly paved and unused.
I have a feeling of true dread that only comes with being here, in a place like this. This current reality I am living in is no different from yours, or even my past life. It is that one mistake that haunts our future. It is only at the thought of my own that I made this decision. I look down at my ragged clothing, smell my rotten mouth, and I feel the crushing pain in my stiff legs. My eyes have become weaker, day by day, staring at the sun, hoping that the dart would finally pierce through me. That it would take me away and engulf me so I don’t have to stand here any longer.
I have been seeing things only since I have been here. Once you have been standing in the desert for as long as I have, waiting for an ounce of hope, you become delusional with no ounce of reality. One of my visions was of James Dean pulling up in his Porsche, the one he would crash in, right in front of me. He parked, stopped, turned the ignition off, and slowly got out of the car. He didn’t say a word. The rocks crunched under his feet as he came towards me. He grabbed my dirty face and kissed my cheek gently. He retraced his steps and sped right off, without a trace. Then as quickly as it had started, it ended, and my head jerked back to reality. At that moment I knew that my fate would never change. The icon of a young and spiraling generation gave me a warning about my not so distant future, with the kiss of death. With my visions, at least my mind is the only thing that hasn’t abandoned me.
I look back and forth and there is no end to this road. My hands are blistering and cramping, my ears are ringing sharply, and my sweat has attached itself to my face like glue. I am shaking with ultimate pain, with the skin on my hand peeling because of the dry heat.
Food has become a fairytale, and water has become gold. Even my visions couldn’t conjure a meal or water to keep me distracted. While I struggle to imagine what a meal would look like, my chest contracts heavily, so I decide to sit down. I got down to the ground with a light force, finally freeing my legs which were going to fall off. I took a relaxed breath. I got dust all over my already ripe jeans, but caring is for the weak, so I don’t have a care in the world.
The sun energizes a part of my dying soul. I look down towards my hands, holding them together strongly, putting them tightly across my bent knees, and surrendering my head to the sun, fully staring at it.
This is where fate brings the lost souls. In a desert with no time, as humanity has never invented it here. Constantly searching and finding no end. The world is collapsing, and I am here as a witness.
Why did I do this, one might ask. I have no answers. I wanted to be found by people who wanted me, but it was clear that I was not put on Earth to do so. I wanted a thrill, a life of my own, so by standing waiting to be picked up, I would receive that from others. What a ridiculous thing to even expect from others, as well as selfish.
I unfurled my arms from my knees. I threw my arms behind me and let go. I made a loud thump as I laid down uncomfortably on the rocky ground. I took my pocket knife from my left pocket and waved it in the air. It makes a whooshing sound. I stared at it with much ease and comfort. The suffering and challenges I have been through are worse than the fate I’ll end up in. I will disobey this long, painful torture and finally surrender on my own terms. The sun has only gotten stronger, as it senses what I am about to do.
I confidently took my knife from the sky, and quickly bludgeoned my chest and I made a loud gasp. Blood pours from me like a smooth waterfall. There was little to no resistance. My body was waiting for this, ready to be taken. I stabbed so deeply that one could see a hole run through my body from the front to my back. As I am dying, I rip my heart out, and smear the blood from my body all over my face. I smile and breathe in. As I am seeing my last sun rays, I hold my heart towards the sun hoping that whoever takes care of me next, will at least be willing to accept that my heart is forever planted.
Heartfelt Lobotomy 